Emotional Regulation
Angry All the Time But Not Sure Why?
Another morning. You wake up and try to get yourself and everyone together. You see your husband blah blah blah. You say nothing but inside you’re annoyed. You keep it moving and manage to get the kids out the door. You then notice that you are late for work. You get in the car and realize the kids forgot the lunch you packed for them. You get in the house, do blah blah blah. Your husband says a word to you about the sky being blue and you blow up. He and the children are looking at you with shock and confused.
Some time goes by and you apologize but then tell your husband all the things you need b/c you feel alone in this relationship. In prayer, you cry and tell God that you will try harder not to be so angry. This scenario happens again and again. You are angry but are not sure why.
What can be causing this anger? What is perceived as anger may really be you masking feelings that are happening underneath, such as sadness and fear. Why? Because it can be easier to show the secondary emotion of anger rather than the primary emotion like sadness or fear. Primary emotions tend to be the more vulnerable emotions. In society, while there are some improvements, many black women have not had the luxury of sharing more vulnerable emotions since many black women may fall under the pressure of having to present as strong black women (SBW). This means that she should present as strong no matter what kind of distress she is under. While being a SBW may have its benefits, it can also result in women dismissing their pain and it going unaddressed. The pain will then manifest as what people perceive to be anger and aggression. Anger is often times a secondary emotion that is used unintentionally and subconsciously as a protective measure to mask deeper pain.
Anger is a God-given Emotion.
Anger itself is an emotion just like sadness, joy, and surprise. Emotions are signals to alert us and provide information to what is happening for us. The emotion of anger typically signals that something important to us needs to be addressed. Anger in and if itself is not harmful. It is what we do with our anger that can be dangerous and/or detrimental to our own and other’s well-being. Anger has been and can be used for positive change such to modifying policies, reforms, and social justice. The Bible even states, “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” (Ephesians 4:26) to illustrate that the emotion of anger is not wrong. It is the behaviors that come from anger that can be harmful.
How can I stop the negative behaviors? Rather than simply trying harder not to appear angry and/or act out in anger, there are other things that can be done to understand why your anger is appearing and address the deeper issues. Here are 5 strategies that can be used to begin to help you identify what your anger is trying to tell you and how you can better address the pain inside. When you are in a calm space:
Track the pattern. Awareness is always the first step needed to change a pattern. Writing down your emotions in a journal and/or app can help you begin to see the pattern. You may notice the following: when it happens, what may be the factor(s) that cause it to occur and even what helps you to get over the anger. For instance, did I yell after I tried to hold it in? What occurred right before I went off? What kind of sensations did I feel in body?
Breathe. Believe it or not, breathing is very helpful in getting you to respond rather than react to a situation. It helps to deepen the connection to yourself, reduces anxiety while providing your body w oxygen, and slows our heart rate. In turn, it provides the time for you to catch yourself before you say/do something you may regret later. When you have a strong emotion, a part of your brain called the amygdala gets activated and causes you to respond with fight, flight or freeze. Breathing actually helps your brain move from the amygdala to the pre-frontal cortex, which in turn allows you to get to your calmer self, reducing the chances of you saying/doing something that may be harmful to you and/or others.
Get Curious: This is the step that allows you to listen to your heart, make sense of why you feel the way you do, and why you respond the way you do. Here is where you actually take the time to ask yourself the question: Why am I feeling this way? Of course the answer could be “Because he/she is a jerk!” Rather than focusing on the other person and what they did, take the time to focus on you by asking:
What was the thought that occurred before I got angry,
What was the feeling I felt before I got angry
What was the action that followed my thoughts and feelings?
What was the purpose of my specific behavior? To get them to hear me? To get revenge for the pain this person caused me
Am I responding to something in the past and am using anger as a form of protection from painful feelings?
What message does my behavior send to the recipient about my attitude toward them.
Assess your options. We’ve all heard the part of the Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” This is when you try to assess your options for how you want to handle a situation. This is also the step in which you search for resources and even look to Scripture for strength, direction, and guidance on how to best deal with the situation that you are challenged with.
Seek therapy. If you find that the cycle of anger is too difficult to break, this is a good time to assess if therapy would be helpful. There are times that patterns and ways of thinking become so ingrained that they are hard to break and/or even identify. There are trained counselors who are equipped to help you with the challenges you are facing.
In all that you do, be sure to give yourself grace. Take baby steps when incorporating something new. Remember that you have had years to build this pattern of being. Unlearning and replacing the old patterns with the new is hard stuff! Nevertheless, it’s doable. As you accomplish a small step, celebrate it! Don’t go at it alone. Ask one of your friends to walk with you on the journey, check in on you and/or hold you accountable as you take steps to change. And lastly, be sure to frequently remind yourself that you are doing the best that you know how given your circumstances.
Want to break the vicious cycle of anger but need help in doing so? If so and your faith is an important part of your healing journey, feel free to contact me at 301-591-7444 or check out my website at www.theartofconnectiontherapy.com where are you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
